Tuesday, January 18, 2011

{1 week}

It has been an entire week since I was given the news that is changing not only my life, but the life of my family forever. I don't think that it has truly sunk in yet.

I am still staring at the photos and analyzing every expression and facial feature... searching for more similarities. I have repeatedly read the letter my birth mother sent me and still can't believe I have made contact with the woman that gave birth to me 24 years ago. Even though I haven't met her in person yet, I feel a closeness that I can't really describe. It's a feeling like I have met her before and the memory is foggy.

Although I have had some time to digest everything, I feel like I'm on the outside looking in on this miracle of events. At this point, I am still piecing together my thoughts and feelings.

Here are a few...

When I look at the pictures of my birth family, I see a group of Asians. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see your average American white girl. I have compared current pictures of myself to the recent photo of them and wonder how I fit in. Imagining myself with them is like a strange dream. Being the only Asian in family pictures is normal and comfortable to me. Blending in is completely foreign and exciting all at the same time.

Many readers have shared their sadness for the passing of my birth father. I do wish I could have met him in this life and believe that it just wasn't our time. I have also thought that maybe he wasn't ready to meet me quite yet and that God knew of the very close bond I hold with my adoptive father. That is enough for me at this time in my life and I believe that we will reunite beyond my current knowledge of what is to come.

Several have asked me about my parents and how they are reacting to the news... almost as if they expect my parents to have unsettled feelings. I am incredibly blessed to have such supportive parents who have always encouraged me to find my birth family before I was ever interested. They never cease to amaze me with their examples of unconditional love for their children.

The language and cultural barriers have already created a distance between my birth family and I, far beyond the countries already between us. What can I do to bring us closer? I want to immerse myself in Korean culture as much as I possibly can to help understand my birth country and family.
I know very little about the Korean culture as I know very few native Koreans. I am looking into learning what I can of the language and will definitely be trying more Korean dishes other than the safe ones, like Bulgogi and Bibimbap.

I have always had control issues and the need to call the shots, but in this situation I have neither. Patience? The word is barely in my vocabulary, not to mention comprehension. Hope and prayer have gotten me this far, so continuing to rely on them will have to be my guide.

I am constantly thinking about the 5th daughter. Just like the connection I feel with my birth mother, the closeness I feel for my 5th birth sister has grown stronger since finding my birth family. If anyone can relate to my experience, it is her. I almost feel a sense of guilt, knowing all that I do when she was placed for adoption too. When the time is right, I plan to bring her adoption up to my birth mom and begin a search for her.

I thought this journey began when I started my search, but it is now that the adventure has truly started. If I could sum up my feelings in one word, it would be: love. I have had so much love to give throughout my life and now I have even more people to share it with. Not only that, but I feel so loved. It is beyond explanation how loved I am and it is the most amazing feeling.

My theme song for this year is "Everybody"
{by Ingrid Michaelson}

Everybody, everybody wants to love
Everybody, everybody wants to be loved
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Happy is the heart that still feels pain
Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open up your chest and let it in
Just let the love, love, love begin

oh everybody knows the love
Everybody holds the love
Everybody falls for love

Everybody feels the love
Everybody steals the love,
everybody heals with love
Oh, oh, oh, oh, just let the love, love, love begin

These are just a few thoughts that have come to mind. I will continue to share as they develop.


  1. First of all, WOW! That is so amazing that you found your birth parents. What an incredible feeling that must be. It's so nice that your parents are supportive of this and don't feel threatened at all by you wanting to know where you came from. They sound like amazing folks.

    I adore that song! It's just so upbeat and fun. Ohhh ohh.

  2. I just stumbled upon your blog while searching for more info about the InKAS scholarships. Congrats on your successful birth family search! I know how it feels to receive that phone call. Blessings to you & your family as you navigate "post-reunion" life.

  3. What an incredible story. I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog...but not right now. I'm liable to be late for church if I don't get off the computer in a couple of minutes. I found you on the CBC post of the week.



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